Why do (Jamaican) men cheat?
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
These are the facts as I know them:
- All kinds of men and women cheat. Cheaters are of every race, every nationality, every country, every religion. Men and women cheat. Rich people and poor people cheat. Overall, approximately 25-30% of men say they have cheated at some time.
- Men cheat more than women. Younger men cheat more than older ones. Black men cheat more than white men. Men from southern sections of Africa cheat the most.
- Men married to gorgeous women are equally like to cheat.
Would you cheat on her? (Public domain image)
- Nigerian women are the most unfaithful. For men, the Thais hold the title. (However, there is nothing to indicate that Thai men are cheating with Nigerian women.)
Nigerian women (Photo credit: IITA Image Library)
(The data on Thai and Nigerian cheaters is based on research done by Durex condoms. See the report here. There is another very interesting article on which countries have the highest rates of infidelity, you can access it here.)
We also know that ninety-two percent of men said that the reason they cheated wasn’t because of a need for sex. Instead, the majority said it was because they felt an emotional disconnection from their partner (wife/girlfriend), and felt ‘under-appreciated’. Essentially, their partners weren’t making enough gestures to make them feel, well, like men. (You can read the article on the main reasons men say they cheat here.)
This is all the data I have seen in scholarly publications.
Some things I know:
I know a man, a German, a good man, who only loves the smell of hibiscus flowers. He’s an incorruptible man – doesn’t sway towards the passing scent of a young, fresh rose, nor swoon at the wild orchids as they blossom, nor drool at a wet Lily as it delicately opens and sheds its petals. His soul is engulfed by the smell of hibiscus. It consumes him, and leaves no room for anything else.
I also know a man, a Portuguese, decent chap, who goes home every night to question God and launch vitriolic attacks at the devil. (He would also curse God if it weren’t for the fact that he grew up Catholic and some of the things he heard in church have left a deep fear of God inside him.) He is a bitter man, has no wife because she left him, and has no kids because she took with her that possibility as well. She didn’t leave him because he is Portuguese or bitter. But because he cheated. He told me he did it only once, and deeply regretted it. It happened at a time when he had just started going back to the gym, was earning well, and felt good about himself. It was with a girl in the gym. (There is an interesting article you can read about the testosterone effect on cheating: The Moral Molecule: Why Men Cheat.)
What do these two things have to do with why men cheat? This:
I have been doing my own survey for over 20 years. Most of the subjects weren’t aware that they were part of a study. The interviews and focus group discussions mainly took the form of bar talk at clubs, rum bars, parties, restaurants, and on patios. Very often alcohol was involved.
Over the course of these years conducting my research I found few examples of men who were like my German friend, and who were completely committed to their partners. This does not mean that there aren’t many such men, only that in the dozens of conversations I’ve had few seemed willing to profess their devotion.
Many were like my Portuguese friend – did it once or twice, but not always with regret.
About 80% of men I have spoken with were comfortable talking about it or the possibility of it. About a third had done it. Another third seemed interested in doing it but were either fearful or uncertain – “Where would I take her?” “What if I got caught?” “Maybe it’s better to do it when you travel, so you don’t piss where you sleep.”
The most interesting conversations were with Jamaican men. I found many loved the adventure of it, the quest, the thrill, the conquest. They often joked loudly about it, spoke proudly about how many times they had done it, and how they camouflaged what they were doing. One group of friends said they pooled and rented an apartment – that way they had a discreet place to take a girl, and they didn’t have to shell out too much money from their salary which could bring questions.
Some of these men had kids their partners weren’t aware of, one or two had another entire family. (Some of these stories are told in my novel Disposable People.)
What struck me most overall from the various conversations is how my North American and European male associates often seemed more cautious, curious, and discrete while talking about cheating, while my Jamaican associates often seemed loud and proud.
People say that it was born in Africa and is in our gene pool. Some researchers say that slavery reinforced it, and poverty cemented it. Often times social commentators lament that our music celebrates it. I am not a psychologist and can offer no new insights into why men do the things they do. What I can say is that wives and girlfriends often don’t seem to know exactly what their partners have been up to, or what they are thinking.
I would love to hear your thoughts.
I have been traveling to Jamaica for 25 years with over 50 visits and can attest to the infidelity of Jamaican men. They love women, they love making babies but marriage not so much. It’s true that they boast about it and many of my long time Jamaican male friends have multiple children with different women. I personally know of at least 15 men that had families in Negril but managed to make it to the States with American and English women whom they have married and since divorced. I have always enjoyed and envied the general happy attitude of Jamaicans. To me it seems to be the long time culture of a ‘no worries’ population extended to sexual desires. The free love evolution is naturally bred from generation to generation.
BTW, I’m about 80% through your book on my Kindle and look forward to your next. It’s a somewhat sad read but so very eye opening and (for me) realistic commentary on life in its most basic form. I found this blog looking for information on other books you have. I appreciate your list of fiction about Jamaica now have several on my ‘to read’ list.
Dear Anita, thanks for the comments on the blog and the book. I am intrigued by your experiences visiting Jamaica and with Jamaican men. Would you care to write a short blog with some of those experiences to share on this site? A lot of folks seem to come to the site to read about the habits of Jamaican men.
I would love to get your comments on the novel when you are through. I am currently working on the next two, and hope to get at least one of them out in the next few months.
One love
I finished your book on the train home last evening (then started Pao). I had lots of laughs throughout your book as well as despair and disgust. The treatment of dogs even shocked me. A good deal of your story does help me understand the root of Jamaican attitude toward sexual relationships and life in general. Of course there are exceptions to any generalization. I know three loving men and fathers who raised their children alone when the birthmothers took off to the States. They are terrific fathers. I know an old fellow who pass a few years ago. He was married to the same woman for over 50 years. They never had children and he never had any elsewhere. He worshiped his loving Birdie (as he called her). Franklin was his name and he worked at the resort I frequent since it was built in the early 70’s. He was in his late 70’s when he died. I miss him and his stories. That is where I first heard of many Duppy stories and learned the proper way to roast a breadfruit.
Over all I enjoyed reading your book. One thing the books lacked was answers. Damn man I need some answers. How the heck you get out of that horrible place? What takes you around the world? What kind of consulting? What happened when you did meet your father? Why semicolon? Look forward to your next books. I found your book while looking for historical novels about Jamaica on Amazon…seems to be a shortage of them.
As far a blogging goes I’m totally inexperienced and really don’t think I’m qualified. I’d be ok with sharing some stories with you here from time to time
Thanks again Anita, I appreciate your time to read the novel and also to provide this useful feedback. (Incidentally, if you have a moment and could copy/paste your comments on Amazon – http://www.amazon.com/Disposable-People-Inspired-true-events/product-reviews/1467922730/ref=sr_cr_hist_all?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1) that could be helpful.) I would love to hear some of your stories. You can send to me directly if you wish at my email. I could update you on a few of your questions that way also
. One love
Thanks for the Amazon comment.
One love
I am a man. I could never cheat. Sooner cut off my p****. But the (admittedly small) number of women in my life have all been cheaters. Violent too. So I give up on them. My ex-wife even moved in with another man while we were still together! When she dies (presuming she goes first) I’m having a party. Cheaters destroy families and lives. My family and my life. They are no better than child molesters. They should be chemically castrated. Why do people (Thais, Jamaicans, Germans, whatever) cheat? The same reason they steal, rape, murder etc. Because they are bad people who only care about themselves and have no concept of the rights or feelings of other people. They think that their lives, feelings and urges are the only things worth worrying about. Bad people, plain and simple. If there was any justice they would all get AIDS.
I found out by experience that jamaican are the worst, they will have a whole family tucked somewhere else, and you will be the last one to know. The signs will be there, then the africans are next. They get that green card then it’s a wrap!!!!,,,
I can’t imagine what your experiences must have been like Tonya, but thanks for sharing your thoughts.